IllLogic: 4 Pikmin that are most likely to commit horrendous crimes

Illogic is a video game parody series written by our very own Mike Mordenga, the host of FilmLogic. Any resemblance to actual events, locales persons, living or dead, real or fictional, retro or modern, is entirely coincidental.

It has long been theorized that the average Pikmin thinks about crimes against humanity every 27 seconds. Scientists are discovering that number is closer to 16. On the surface, Pikmin seem like a friendly plant-based alien race that helps a lost astronaut, Olimar, build a spaceship, but their purpose in the Pikmin games are actually darker and catastrophic.

Pictured: Red Pikmin making a target packet

Red

Crime: Political Assassination

Red Pikmin are always eager to help Olimar navigate through the wilds of the alien jungle planet and help him with any obstacles. What we don’t see is that every enemy and puzzle that Olimar faces is carefully planned and premeditated by the Red. What seems like a random encounter with a Bulbax is actually the Red army picking off one of their political rivals. In fact, every enemy that the Red Pikmin lead you to have significant repercussions to the political landscape. The Red are making a trail of corpses that will ultimately lead to the assassination of Emperor Bulbax. Olimar is aiding and abetting local terrorism.

Pictured: A Blue Pikmin planting a tree that does not belong

Blue

Crime: Eco Terrorism

It is common knowledge that Pikmin are intimately connected to the ecosystem where they live. What they are willing to do to keep that connection is considered a war crime in every country. Blue Pikmin will intentionally plant Pellet Poseys on terrain that cannot handle this flora, destroying the eco-mutualism in the balance. After being warned by the UN several times, they continue to disrupt the fungi and Margaret plants that are crucial to the biome. Blues have disrupted the agricultural markets of Mamutas in pursuit of their greed causing millions to be pushed out of their homes.  Scientists estimate that the Blue Pikmin will destroy the entire planetary landscape by 2030.

Pictured: A Yellow Pikmin getting ready for a round up

Yellow

Crime: Trafficking

It is a dangerous assumption to believe that all Pikmin are working together in harmony. The reality is that 3 out of 5 Pikmin are working off a debt. Yellow Pikmin are notorious for going into the poor neighborhoods and rounding up the unsuspecting Pikmin and promising them fame and fortune. Yellows will tell adults that they are from a famous modeling agency and that they are looking for young models, placing a debt on them in the process. Amnesty International and other humanity groups are working to pay off the debts of Pikmin that are being forced into labor. Currently, Olimar has an arrest on sight order on him for profiting in this exploitation.

Picture: A Gray Pikmin openly mocking Shigeru Miyamoto

Gray

Crime: Emulating Console Games

While emulation and rom downloading are not directly war crimes, it is a well documented fact that it affirms the Taliban. Gray Pikmin are notorious for using their Steam Decks to emulate Metroid Dread. This digital theft has dire financial consequences. So far, 20% of Nintendo’s development team is living off of food stamps because of the sharp drop in profits.  Nintendo has been forced to make up the loss by keeping Legend of Zelda Tears of the Kingdom at $70 for the next six years. Gray Pikmin have been ordered to cease and desist, but since the Steam software has diplomatic immunity there is little Nintendo can do. Meanwhile, the Taliban grow stronger with each rom of Metroid Dread that is downloaded.